#25 - Love (part 1)

I enjoy writing about love, and maybe this blog will be kind of long, blabbing about what i think about when i think about love, how i love Love, or how i hate Love.

I'm 21. Young but old. Never been in a serious relationship, except one which sounded too serious for a 19 year old me so i ran away from it. Since that one, i don't want to get myself to other romantic relationships again, mostly because i realized i love too much yet too little, and i don't want to hurt anyone again. 

At the end of last year i liked someone again. I admired someone and started to fall in love as a secret admirer. We met once and never actually talked. He probably doesn't know i exist in this world but that's okay. He's cool, studying in a top university, friendly, family man, can play guitar, cook nice food, avoid political organization but still have space and chosen people to grow with, and most importantly, he is alive. That makes me want to be alive too. But well, now I am moving to another city. We probably never meet again. 

Other than that, my confidence sank in the past years. For the first time last year i felt this deep deep deep feeling of non-worthiness. I don't know if anyone could ever love me. Worst is, i don't know if i can even love too.

Once every couple of months i exchange greets with my first love. Last spring, we talked about something that i remembered leading him saying my love for him was pure and he learned from it. At that time i was sure that I couldn't really love. But then i remember him. I remember how much i loved him. I agreed with him. I can love. It is also really nice to know that my love was noticed. The friendship between us is also something that makes it warmer and comfier. Like the beginning of spring. But time always wins. Nothing stays forever. 

Being in a foreign country with an identity crisis and ofc being broke is just something that's not fun. For the first 3 months before i started classes, i felt so alone and that is not without reason. I was barely able to talk to my family because of the time difference. Other than my family, no one talks to me. I haven't started my class that time, i never met anyone at all. Worst, no one message me. Accept this old uni friend who usually asks random questions. Sometimes I can't or don't want to answer the questions. Someone creepy and judging, i thought. But those questions were the only notifications i got. 

I always like him. He is that kind of person I would look in the crowd and want to make a band with. The freaks. We never met and i also wondered myself, what was the origin of our online friendship. We talk about weird things, and i'm glad because the conversations are mostly "Recess Therapy" talks (visit their insta if you don't get it). Until today, i don't think i can understand him. But the more i know his stories, the less creepy he is. 

We started to talk more since we agreed to send each other daily quotes. On some days, the quotes are followed by backstories. I know he is smart and logically superior, but sometimes i don't like how he counters people's opinions. Knowing the other side of him through his stories is some exciting thing. We live in a different world. He is talented and i think he has more love than he has shown. Even tho he's the freakiest i've ever known, on some nights i always want to send letters saying i'm glad i know him and thanking him that he is my friend. Wishing him to thrive, because he knows better how to survive, and i believe in him. 

I've written 2 paragraphs about him lovingly. My feelings for him are just different. It's not the platonic i called like with my first love who became my best friend, because that was actually friend zoned, which always has a question if we can be romantic. Also not a dearly lovingly platonic love like me and my boy best friend in Jakarta. It's simply the comfort of his company. It has no questions followed. We have also talked about love that is not about us, including platonic love. If you, the person i wrote about read this, i just want to say; tenang, i will never love you romantically (if that makes it better). But isn't it always nice to know that someone loves you in any kind of way?

The point i want to talk about is not him. It's the feelings i have and the relations between friendship love and romantic love that i kinda avoid. Having this warm feeling of platonic love again makes me doubt if i can love someone enough romantically. Why do i trust my creepy friend to know my stories? why is my last romantic relationship not even having warm feelings and comfort, even tho before that, i remember thinking i love him so much that i want to learn to keep the love? The worst is, i forgot about the love i felt before. 

He is perfect and he loved me. He has everything i always wish for on a person. Why did i not try harder? Well, now i guess perfect is not the answer. I am a good and loving friend, i might say. Romantic love has scared me since the last one. So, if one day i have a boyfriend, i hope we have this best friend relationship as an addition to other romantic sides.